Revised Introduction

Revised Introduction 

The revision process is one of the most important parts of the writing process. Below is my reworked introduction for the project 2 assignment. 

Cherub, Mad. "Trash bin" 2/28/07 via Wikimedia Commons.  Creative Commons Attribution.

I think the revised introduction below is the better version of the introduction of my paper because it is less summary than the original one. That being said, I think that my original introduction was somewhat dry and didn't have much opinion or as Bailey said in her peer review "implication". I changed my introduction up by adding words with connotation in order to more thoroughly imply the meaning behind my argument and show with detail, rather than summarize, the article which I analyzed. While I kept the majority of the middle section of the introduction the same I changed the opening of the intro in order to pull the reader in more and changed my thesis in order to make it sound less like a summary. 

• Original Introduction:
• From the color of one’s hair to each individual’s own personality, all traits are created due to the genes which a person has. Each individual gene carries its own attribute and some of these genes are seen as more favorable than others. To some these “favorable” genes are considered ones which carry good health and longevity while to others “favorable” genes are seen as physical characteristics. As technology continues to advance, more opportunities for genetic engineering have been uncovered. This possibility of genetically engineering children leads to the idea of expecting parents possibly being able to pick and choose which traits they want their children to have. In her article from the Washington Post, “Genetically Engineered Babies? Experts Debate Idea of ‘Designer Baby’ Ban”, Wynne Parry investigates the innovation of this genetic engineering and the opportunities that would come with it. Parry’s article works to encourage readers to understand why genetic engineering should be legal. By employing tactics such as direct quotes from credible sources and statistical facts Parry effectively convinces the audience of the  claims she makes.
• Revised Introduction:
• Genes determine who you are. From the color of your hair to your fingerprint genes are the deciding factor in the individual creation of each person in our society. Each individual gene carries its own attribute and some of these genes are seen as more favorable than others. Throughout society there is quite a bit of discrepancy as to what "favorable" genes are. Some take this as long lasting good health while others take it as physically appealing characteristics. As technology continues to advance, more opportunities for genetic engineering have been uncovered. The idea that one day parents could choose their child's hair color, nose size and so much more leads to an unending amount of arguments regarding the subject. On the one hand, the allowance of parents genetically engineer their children could lead to medical advancements and far less patients with genetic ailments. On the other hand, genetic engineering could quickly turn into a way of who could have the "best" child, relatively speaking. By weighing the costs and benefits of genetic engineering in her article "Genetically Engineered Babies? Experts Debate Idea of 'Designer Baby' Ban" Wynne Parry encourages readers to understand that these benefits drastically outweigh the costs. Based on the idea that genetic engineering would allow for drastic advancements in the realm of scientific discovery, Parry’s article works to encourage readers to understand that this would be beneficial to all of society. Employing various tactics including quotes rom credible sources and statistical facts allows the readers to connect personally with the topic while simultaneously understand the logistical importance of genetic engineering.